Center for a New American Security

The Empire, crumbling under climate induced water scarcity, demands the full resources of its vast and mighty military, from top to bottom, in order to obtain enough fresh water to sustain both its forces and economy.

Last week we met with an Empire commander, who wished to remain annonomous, to discuss the trials that the galactic force had been facing since the onset of the recent record breaking drought. The commander seemed rather taxed by the labor intensive purification process he had been performing just as we arrived (a function made mandatory for all Empire forces just last week) as he suffered from an asthma attack lasting the duration of the hour long interview. Storming through the conversation without ever pausing to use an inhailer, he was such a trooper, the commander provided candid commentary about just how in jeopardy the galaxy is becoming. Perhaps the most intriguing revelation offered up was his description of star death, threatening the very existance of life in the region, which he believes to be inextricably tied to the historic drought.

As we looked deeper, meeting with multinational officers of various levels of rank, and body hair, we began to see that the drought has acted as a threat multiplier in frontline reports of hightened ewok insurgency on Endor. Though the United States managed to remain a neutral party in the first Ewoki uprising, due mainly to its far far away geography, if the drought persists, it may not be long before President Obama is called to appear before the Galactic Senate, and asked to lend American forces.

APRIL FOOLS! It's not Friday.

Okay, and none of this is true either.

PHOTO: Courtesy of Demotivationalblog.com