January 29, 2011

An Open Letter to the Egyptian People

Dear Umm al-Dunya,

On behalf of the American people, I want to congratulate you all for thrilling the world these past few days with an inspired display of people power. We Americans ourselves once won our freedom from an evil dictatorship, only the people we fought had these British accents which made them seem far more evil than those clowns at the NDP.

Because our freedom-loving government has apparently been supporting the Sadat/Mubarak regime for the past 30+ years (honestly, who knew?), it is with great hesitation that I write to you on behalf of my countrymen with a little constructive criticism. But over the past few days, we Americans have been watching your street protests with much wonder and a little concern. It's not like we are the greatest baseball players on Earth -- no, that would be the Japanese -- but because of our national sport, we Americans all learn how to throw a baseball at an early age. Judging from your rock-throwing, we think you could get an extra 20-30 yards/meters on each throw if you stop throwing like a girl use some techniques we Americans have developed through the years. People of Egypt, allow me to introduce the crow hop:

We sincerely hope this comes in handy of the next few days. If any of this is confusing, call a man named Tom Emanski collect once they turn the phones back on. And in all seriousness, stay safe out there.


Abu Muqawama