January 11, 2008

Bob Bateman vs. E-mail Scammers

Abu Muqawama is posting this because The Bateman, when he gets bored or pissed off at Victor Davis Hanson, can be really, really funny...

Since Charlie and Abu Muqawama continue to insist that I am some sort of quasi-spiritualistic yogi giving wisdom to part of their continually blackening souls I will humor them. Call me an enabler. Personally I believe that they merely seek an ACU-clad reincarnation of Hunter Thompson, a fusion of infantryman and radical anti-authoritarian to meld their disparate karmic ions, and mistake the apparent fact that I resemble Bill Murray (who played HST in the classic movie Where The Buffalo Roam) for this mythical avatar. Whatever.

I was bored.

This is what happens when people like me get bored, and then pissed, at the same time. Freakin' scammers.

The Bateman

(* This is the dialog, unedited, thus far. We'll see if he responds to my last. )

Date: Fri, 4 Jan 2008 05:05:11 +0300
From: sgtjoeyjones1@yahoo.com.cn

To: R_Bateman_LTC


Hello Pal,

I hope my email meets you well. I am in need of your assistance. My name is Sgt Joey Jones

I am a military attache with the Engineering unit here in Ba'qubah Iraq for the united states, we have about $25 Million American dollars here which is in our possesion and we are ready to move out of the country.

My partners and I need a good partner someone we can trust to actualize this venture.

The money is from oil proceeds and legal.But we are moving it through diplomatic means to your house directly or a safe and secured location of your choice using diplomatic courier services.

But can we trust you? Once the funds get to you, you take your 40% out and keep our own 60%. Your own part of this deal is to find a safe place where the funds can be sent to,our own part is sending it to you.

If you are interested I will furnish you with more details,
Awaiting your urgent response.
Your Buddy.
Sgt Joey Jones.


This message was sent using Swiftkenya's Webmail Service. http://www.swiftkenya.com

Date: Mon, 7 Jan 2008
From: R_Bateman_LTC
To: sgtjoeyjones@yahoo.com.cn

Dear Sergeant Jones,

I find your appeles VARY interesting. I was in Iraq myself, and I know that Diyala Province is a tricky place. It must have tekken you a long time to get that much money from the oil proceededs. I am currently stationed in the Pentagon, and we could always use more moneys. Please tell me how we should move forwards. Our F-22 project can use this inflow, as the Air Force already used all the money for that on some desperately needed golf course renovations.

Yours in Solidarity,

The Bateman

PS~ Why does the bottom of your e-mail say that it was sent using 'Swiftkenya's Webmail Service'? I was not aware that Kenya had joined our Coalition. That is great news!!!! Are they providing internet-in-a-box to your FOB?


Date: Tue, 8 Jan 2008 06:06:41 +0800
From: sgtjoeyjones@yahoo.com.cn
To: R_Bateman_LTC

Hello ,

Please take your time to read and understand this email as it contains the details of plans and requirements to conclude this venture. {PRIVATE} Thanks for your response to my email requesting your assistance to conclude this transaction. There is no risk what so ever, as regards this money.

But the most important thing is that I do not want this money to go through the bank around here, It will not be safe for us, I have a very good, trusted and reliable diplomatic courier contact used mostly by our forces here in Jordan, that can send goods easily through diplomatic and private military way, to anywhere in the world, without them being checked at any port of entry.

We must be kept a low profile as a result of the amount in question. People are dying here ,and I pray each day to make it out of here alive!!! I need your help because I don't have any body I can trust now.

There is no risk going to jail, if you follow all my instructions carefully. The funds in question was realized from oil proceeds,'Oil money' as fundly referred to by the merchants out here.I can make arrangement to deliver the Candy's to any address of your choice. The baggage will be tagged diplomatic documents, and the courier company, will not know the contents of the boxes.

A few friends have used this means to convey goods, without being checked because of the diplomatic immunity they enjoy. Their charges are very high, but I will negotiate a way out from this end, till it gets to your door step anywhere, and I will follow up immediately and meet with you for disbursement after you have received it.

I am very sure you will know the best way to handle this money for us when it gets to your base. Please let me have an address where you want them to deliver the Candy's. As soon as I get it, I will start making arrangements to ship at once. If we are lucky and fast enough, we can conclude this within the next one week.

I will send the total since I can not take any chances by keeping cash on me. Your percentage still stand's at 40% as assured in my last message. What do you do for a living? are you Married with kids? can you handle this funds ? I will also want to see your ID proof i.e. driver's License so I know who I am dealing with, I will send mine on receipt of yours. We need to build trust ok!!!!!

It's just me and a colleague that knows about this transaction from this end, so try and keep this between the parties involved. Please if you know that you are not capable of handling this huge sum, then don't allow me to ship it, as we have done everything possible to make this a reality from this end. I can always find other means of dealing with it. But the truth is that I have prayed over this and my spirit suggest that you are the right person, so don't let me down.

You have to keep in mind at all time, the need for confidentiality and absolute secrecy before we conclude this transaction. So phone conversation is not a safe measure in this endeavor. Remember to keep our secret secret.

I cannot call you on the phone or receive fax, as I am not always in the office as a result of my operational schedule. I hope you are ok with this? Everything must be done by email. Will you still help? I need your

urgent reply in this regard.

Thanks and God bless.

Your Buddy.

Sgt Joey Jones.

God Bless America!!!

Date: Thursday, 10 Jan 2008
From: R_Bateman_LTC
To: sgtjoeyjones@yahoo.com.cn

Dear Sergeant Buddy,

I feel a littlest awkward here, what with you being a sergeant and me a LTC. Please inform me at your soonest direct convenience, would you be prefuring that our interactions were formal, or informal? (I assure you that this will be most double-secret probation PRIVATE.)

I must confess, I am heartily awakened and happyd about something you mentioned in yur last transgression. You said that you, 'do not want this money to go through the bank around here.' I know it sounds silly, but that made me smile. When I was in Iraq, there were no viable banks with external connecions. Each bank was an island unto itself. This was a big problem, as it meant that the Ministry of Defense and Interior couldn't pays their peoples. Everything was cash, which was also a problem. Now you infer that banks can make the transfers, witch gives me hope.

I understand the need for sekrecy. My address is: 601 4th Street, N.W., Washington, D.C. 20535-0002. I want to keep this material/information special from my housemates, Warren Harding and Neil Young, and as it is PRIVATE. So please address the package 'Any Agent' and try to put some official looking marks on the outside. My housemates do not have jobs, so they will assume this package is innocent for me.

I will send forward most directaly the image of my ID. It will take me another day, as I need to 'scan' this into the image program. I am completely in abridgement. We must establish the fullest trust and cooperations in this. For that, I think we should exchange images of our United States Military Identification cards. Or, you could send me a picture of you there in Iraq. I would send you one from Washington.

Deposition should not be a problem, if I up the money in less than $10K chunklets. Nobody will know, and we can buy the needed advanced fourth generation strike fighters which the sky people want. I will, of course, only tell them of this new source *after* I gave myself the approopriate fineders fees.

A picture of me soonest to follow.

Yours in National Defanse of our National Pride,

The Bateman