February 08, 2008

Oh, it's on.

You think fights over resources only start wars in the developing world?

We haven't had a proper war within the borders of the United States in a while, but some international readers of this blog might be surprised to know that the American state originally founded as a penal colony (Georgia) has picked a fight with the most notoriously violent member of the union (Tennessee).

This whole fight between Tennessee and Georgia started because all those Yankee carpet-baggers living in the Atlanta exurbs want to simultaneously fill their pools while watering the lawn and washing their six SUVs. And because no one has ever explained to them that completely uncontrolled and unsustainable growth has consequences, the Atlantans now want our water.

%$#@ that.

What are you going to do, Georgia? Drive up I-75 in your shiny Volvo sport utility vehicles and demand we let you siphon off the Tennessee River? Incredibly, some idiots in the Georgia legislature want the state line pushed a mile north!

"We're not talking about sucking it dry," said Rep. Harry Geisinger, a Republican who sponsored the resolution in the Georgia House. "We're talking about augmenting some water needs, and as you know, the Tennessee has got plenty of water in it."

Abu Muqawama's representative had this to say:

State Sen. Andy Berke, a Chattanooga Democrat, took the Senate floor and jokingly proposed a winner-take-all wrestling match or football game.

(Andy, if you had any b---s you would not be laughing about this. Instead, you would jack-knife a couple big-rigs just south of the East Ridge exit and let those old boys from Rhea Co. and Grundy Co. and anyone else from "up near the holler" come down with their shotguns and orders to shoot on site anyone with Cobb Co. plates trying to come north.)

But don't expect a fight to break out anytime soon, readers. Although the 2008 University of Georgia football team looks to be the most ass-kickingest college football team in the history of the sport and will surely exact revenge on the University of Tennessee for our win last fall, the rest of their state would rather sit in traffic on their way to the mall to make a return at Bed, Bath & Beyond rather than wander north for a whuppin' they wouldn't soon forget.